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I was at the gym this evening, doing my usual
He-Man workout: leg press - 600 lbs. 1000 reps, bench press - 450 lbs. 250
reps, stationary bike: 150 miles in 12 minutes, stair climber: 1250
flights, treadmill: 45 mph jog for 2 hours, and 6000 crunches (I only had
time for a short workout this evening), and on the television (always
tuned to the liberal whack-job news station for some reason) I saw no less
than twenty commercials for this Democratic Senate candidate, or that
Democratic Senate candidate.
Let me just say, it was a shameful, pitiful display. Not one commercial was in any way different
from any other, because not one of the candidates is in any way different
from any other. They have
only one message: “I fought hard against the Bush Administration and their
unjust war in Iraq.” Or, “I
will fight hard against the Bush Administration and their
unjust war in Iraq.” It made
me so angry, I nearly dropped a dumbbell on my foot. And so, at 6:32 pm EST, I, Freddie
Banjo, announced my candidacy to the United States Senate to the creepy
naked guy shaving at the sink in the locker room (really, shouldn’t you
put pants on before you shave?). I know it will be an uphill climb, because the
only way I could ever possibly win would be as a write-in, but still, if I
get my name out there, I think I could garner at least as many votes as
Mickey Mouse, Ziggy, or Ralph Nader in ’04. And so, my fellow Americans,
consider my hat officially thrown into the ring. I will want it back later though,
so please don’t let anyone take it. My platform is simple. There are only two parts, and they
are as follows: We will withdraw from Iraq when we’re damn well good and
ready. And when we do decide
to “redeploy”, as the liberals are so fond of saying, we won’t have to
worry about the message we are sending to our enemy, because they will be
dead. Simple as that. Liberals see the death of every soldier as more
proof that we are fighting a war we cannot win, and so their strategy is
to retreat. We will not
retreat. We must not
retreat. Each death should
solidify our resolve to defeat our enemies at any cost, not serve as
justification to turn tail and run.
Nobody said this fight would be easily won, but it is a fight that
must be won.
There can be no diplomacy when your enemy desires only one thing:
your demise. We cannot
surrender to their demands, because their only demand is for the western
world to either convert to Islam or cease to exist. Part two: If you think there is any country in
the world with more to offer that the United States, move there and shut
up. This country was founded
on the blood, sweat and tears of hard-working men and women who were
willing to sacrifice to make a life for themselves and their
families. Many of them came
from foreign lands to the “land of opportunity” because they wanted to be
a part of something better.
Now, far too many of their offspring, stand in line with their
hands out, demanding that the government give them their due. This government owes you nothing. It’s only real obligation to you
is to provide for your defense and to print money. You’ve got to seek out opportunity
for yourself. Quit
complaining about the rich guys, sitting in their offices on top of the
world, and become one. Or
don’t, it’s your prerogative.
You’re an American, be proud. But if you think Canada has a better healthcare
system, or France has a better form of government, or you prefer the
ass-backwards way toilets flush in Australia, by all means, go there. Don’t let us stop you. But quit whining about it. Quit whining about how in the six
short years since George Bush took office, America has sunk into an abyss
from which it will never recover.
Quit bitching about how much America sucks and do something. Or just go. And don’t let the door hit you on
the ass on the way out. So there you have it, my two-part platform to
transform America. To recap:
We will withdraw from Iraq when we’re damn good and ready, and if you
don’t like America, shut the hell up and get out. See you at the polls September
12th! And
remember, that’s Banjo, with a “J”. Freddie Banjo, Candidate for US Senate |