Would someone please tell Nancy Pelosi that she’s not the Commander in Chief. In fact, two very important people have to die before she can even think about redecorating the Oval Office. Note to President Bush: Stay alive. Please. For the good of the country. After all, Dick Cheney’s only one startling “BOO!” away from another massive coronary, and without bush, our once great nation in the hands of one of the Golden Girls.

But seriously, who the hell does she think she is? Now, she’s demanding that the Air Force provide for her a fully loaded jumbo jet with a state room, a private bedroom, and business-class seating for over forty people. In other words, the woman who, just two months ago, had every liberal in the nation swooning over what a down-to-earth, grandmotherly woman she was, now wants full access to her very own Air Force One! I don’t know about you, but my mommom has never once insisted that she be provided her own private 757 to take her to and from church every Sunday. I’ll grant you, she only lives two blocks from church, but that is hardly the point.

And where, exactly, does the newly-elected Speaker of the House go that she needs Trotsky One (a fitting name for her jet, I think) fueled and ready to go at a moments’ notice? I understand that she’s a very important person. Infinitely more important that you or I will ever be. And perhaps it is beyond such simple-minded folk as us to understand, but seriously, where does she need to go that she can’t fly coach? Hell, I’m even willing to spring for a couple bags of complimentary peanuts.

Okay, maybe that’s being a tad unrealistic. I understand that as Speaker of the House she should have access to some sort of private jet, but a jet the likes of Air Force One? Paid for by you and I? I think not. After all, if all goes well, she’s only going to be Speaker of the House for two years, and then we’ll just have a wasted jet set aside in some remote hangar, overloaded with Dentu-Grip and stewed prunes.

I would be open to a more practical solution to this issue. What if the Air Force were to provide one Boeing 757, fully loaded, for a Trash America Tour. Nancy could take John Kerry, Barbara Boxer, Harry Reid, Barbra Streisand, Jane Fonda, even Hillary Clinton (or she could just hop on her broom), and they could fly all over the world in their very own jumbo jet, Trotsky One, from which they could drop anti-American leaflets and other liberal propaganda. The jet could be painted with a great big French flag, and the engines could make a fruity “haw-haw” sound, just like all the other French twats. And it would be stocked with Perrier and French bread and would be ready to surrender at the first sign of trouble.